she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
