You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
