You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
