im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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