Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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