yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She is in my trunk
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
