Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
there's paper in my vomit.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
