I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
