I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
