Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
