dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
