I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
