he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
