i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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