i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
