dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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