I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
being pregnant is like rehab
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
