Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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