i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
