Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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