Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
