In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
