Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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