she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
