Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
