I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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