Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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