well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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