i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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