My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
