I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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