I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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