don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
