Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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