Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
