We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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