Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
