Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
