the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
