Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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