Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
