You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
