I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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