I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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