Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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