I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
