My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
