I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
