You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
