I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
