also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
