Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
